Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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