you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
