Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
