I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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