He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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