We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
