just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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