Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
