I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
