I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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