I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
