I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
