if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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