sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
