I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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