i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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