Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
