Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
