I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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