theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize