i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
