it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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