Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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