I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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