Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
