I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
