my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
