i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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