it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
