I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
