she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
