I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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