Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
