a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
