I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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