I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
