I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize