I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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