is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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