Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
