some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
