Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
