You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
