I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize