ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just gargled with NyQuil
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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