I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
