I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
