when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
