i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
