i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The beer is more important than you right now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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