Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
