i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
