My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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