I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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