I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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