not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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