A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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