im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
