dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
