I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
