This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
