ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
