He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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