Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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